Sunday, March 23, 2008

Mary Ann

Okay. I admit it. I'm worried.

What am I worried about?

Am I worried about the No Trust Fund Tour 2008, which starts TOMORROW NIGHT, 3/25, in Atlanta?


Am I worried about Ghost Notes?


Am I worried about Songs from Memory?

Am I worried about the ozone layer? Global warming? The upcoming presidential election?

No, no and no.

"Then what?" you ask. "What are you worried about?"

I'm worried about Dawn Wells.

Who's Dawn Wells?

Everyone knows who Dawn Wells is.

They just know her by a different name.

They know her as Mary Ann.

Unfortunately, Mary Ann was recently busted in Driggs, Idaho early in the morning. A cop pulled her over for swerving and found, in the back seat of her car, four half-smoked joints.

You know what happened next.

Five days and some $400 later, Mary Ann is out of the clinker, and moving beyond the episode.

I feel sorry for Mary Ann.

Word has it that the four half-smoked joints weren't even hers.

Someone left them in her car.

I have to admit I'm fascinated by this story, by Dawn Wells-Mary Ann.

But mostly I'm fascinated by that one strange detail.

Four half-smoked joints.

What happened? Why would Mary Ann have four half-smoked joints in the back seat of her car?

I have a theory.

I think Mary Ann had some company in her car that night.

I think Mary Ann had some old friends in the back seat of her car that night.

I think Gilligan, the Skipper, Ginger, and the Professor were partying with Mary Ann that night.

I think Gilligan said, "Let's all pile into Mary Ann's car and take the party to Thurston's house."

So, they all piled into the car, and Mary Ann, docile as ever, acquiesced.

Little did she know, the Professor, who'd been spending far too much time in his basement lately, broke out his latest hydroponic invention.

"You're not lighting that up in my car, are you, Professor?"

"Of course not, Mary Ann. We wouldn't want to get you into trouble, would we?"

And they lit up anyway.

The Professor, Gilligan, the Skipper, and Ginger all lit up.

In Mary Ann's car.

"Wow, Professor," Ginger said. "This stuff is really too much."

"Skipper," proclaimed Gilligan, curled up in the passenger's seat. "I'm getting paranoid."

"What I'd give for a nice, juicy steak," pondered the Skipper.

Then, the red lights flashed behind them.

"Headhunters," Gilligan exclaimed, and as Mary Ann curbed her car, Gilligan threw his half-smoked joint down and dashed into the night.

"Let's get out of here," Skipper said, throwing down his half-smoked joint and following his little buddy.

"I've got a pound of this stuff on me," the Professor said, throwing his half-smoked joint down and disappearing.

"Sorry, Dawn," Ginger said, "but it always pissed me off that guys liked you better." And Ginger threw her half-smoked joint down and sauntered away.

So, Mary Ann, innocent Mary Ann, took the fall for the gang.

That's my theory. I hope you like it.

Come see me this week in Atlanta, or Nashville, or St. Louis, or Chicago, and witness the law being laid down in a most pleasurable way. Click the link below for more details.

Web site

Free Mary Ann!



Neily said...

I love the booking photo, she's totaly blazed there. lol.

Kristi said...

Brilliant, flippin' brilliant. I actually read it out loud to my finacee so we could laugh together. Well done!